The Scariest Thing I've Ever Written

If something bad happens and only you know it, is it your fault?

Aviatic Evolution by Paul Klee

Good morning, readers. I am here this morning to share my essay “The Cost,” out this morning in the brand new Money issue of Ilanot Review. It’s a beautiful issue and I am honored to be a part of it and appear with this roster of fine writers.

“The Cost” explores, in part, what happened when, about a year ago, I wrote and published another essay called “What My Father Knew About The Other Man I Called Daddy.” That first essay was about (as the name implies) the experience of learning that my father (along with other adults) was aware, back when I was a child, that my stepfather was molesting me—or at the very least, my father and others were aware that my stepfather was suspected to be molesting me.

When “What My Father Knew…” (which was simultaneously accepted for publication by two high-tier journals—one online and one print—and which was ultimately published online) came out, a person I have never met reached out to the journal to complain. Today’s essay tells the story of what happened next, but also the backstory of what was unleashed inside of me, and why.

The reason this essay was so scary to write is the same reason it was so scary more than forty years ago when I first and very tentatively told anyone about my stepfather. In the end, this essay is about what we do to children (and the adults they will eventually become) when we ignore the cost of telling.

I’ll be reading from the essay today, Saturday, at noon Central time, via Zoom in a free launch reading hosted by Ilanot. I hope you will join me if you’re able—just register here.

With love,

Jeannine