Honored and scared and to have a new essay out today in the latest issue of Dorothy Parker's Ashes. It's their "Fathers" issue, and it's more tender than you can imagine.
The little girl in you no longer needs to long for a protective adult - she has You! Beautifully written and beautifully healing. My hope for your integrated self is for rest. You’ve done the protective job you were denied. So very grateful to witness your truth and empowerment. It gives me so much hope. 🙏🏼
Congratulations on the essay publication. I have saved it and look forward to sitting down to read it. My heart breaks for you and for all the victims of sexual abuse. My heart breaks for all the secrets that have been kept. Thank you for telling the truth and not letting people bully you.
No wonder you're "just too tired out from it all," Jeannine. I'm tired just reading and imagining all you've been through. Thank you for your courage in sharing the many angles of your story.
This is just crazy. But not unusual. I work with women who are survivors of child sex abuse and whether or not criminal charges have been filed, they live with the mandate to remain silent for the rest of their days. I wrote a similar piece about a grandfather who I believe abused my grandmother and her daughters (including my mother). No one would publish it because I had no court records, no complaints filed with anyone. I had plenty of evidence but no legal records. I mean, no one cared about child sex abuse in the early 1900s. So, I hired a hybrid publisher and wrote a book about the way untold family stories impacted the lives of all the women in my family for generations---even those who had never heard the story. The book will be published in 2/24 and I'm steeling myself for the reaction from family (this man was also a pillar in the small town where they lived). Thank you for your courage in following the publishing trail to get your story out there. Symbolically and actually, you have made life a little better for the rest of us. Brava!
The little girl in me that needed protection at 16, still wants protection at 72. I’m so sorry for your lack of protection and am so happy you are now strong enough to protect yourself. ❤️
Jeannine, your courage and precise truth bombing of the behind-the-scenes sabotage inspires all of us to work hard to fight on, despite the detractors, liars, and other rich ruiners. Meticulous data collection takes tenacity and focus. Facing down familial rejection and accepting the pariah role takes big...ovaries! Most of us would have been convinced to give up when the strong (wealthy) hand covered our mouths and stifled our screams, but you found a way to pry yourself free, then speak louder and clearer. I am daily in awe of your brilliance, love, and now, heroism.
Thank you, Andrea. When Todd sent that email (and LARB pulled the essay), I was stunned into temporary silent shutdown. And then, after several weeks ... I said, no. This is not the end of this story. Thank you again.
This might help so many people. Thanks for being brave enough to detail the truth and not back down from those trying to block you. Much affection from afar.
Yes. Well written letter and so important to do. I applaud you. I am backing you up from here at my desk in some psychic way. WITH YOU. Just absolutely so well done.
Jeannine, one of your aphorisms that I've taken to heart is to look for the fear and write from that place. Oh my god, I can hardly respond to this. This... Your resiliency, courage and ability to write so beautifully about such a dark place is unbelievable. I, too, want to write from a place of fear and I've been writing about the edges so far but your encouragement with your writing is so huge. Yes, Jeannine, I see you and I honor you. Thank you.
Oh I started there (with the Note) and followed it all. Unfortunately, Todd's reaction to protect the abuser is not out of the ordinary. It's easy for a 3rd party like me to take a high 20,000 foot airplane view of this and pass judgment, but I'm still shaking my head. What in the f----, Todd?
Dear Jeannine, my 5 year-old sleeps beside me as I write this (he woke up screaming with pain in his ear and it took a while to calm him down). I listened to his soft breathing while reading both your essays and feel compelled to tell you: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your parents didn't protect you. I'm sorry the little girl you were, had to experience pain and loss not just during the abuse but years after, again and again. But mostly I'm happy you could exorcize those experiences (to some degree) or metabolize them into sth beautiful: your words. Sending you love from across an ocean.
As for the half-sister's boyfriend, I'm glad you redacted his email address cause I would have been tempted to email him myself. Audacity is a word I have often had come to mind when interacting with wealthy folk, especially coupled with a sense of entitlement, but dishonestly defending the indefensible at the behest of your half-sister makes him a vapid lap puppy. My own parents were sort of a tag team troop at beating and hurting we 6 children. I was only seven but I still clearly recall the very moment I determined to forever hate my step mother. I was lying naked and bloody on the ice cold linoleum tiles of a shotgun mill house in N.C. I'd just received 'spanking' with wire clothes hangars that had been entwined together. The hardest part was when she made me get up and join the other kids eating cake icing from the mixing bowl after she iced the cake. The others were too nervously boisterous cause anyone could be next but as that seven year old I guess I took them as happy it was me and not them. At any rate I never recovered from this. I have three brothers I've not spoken to in over thirty years. My father was worse after my real mother died when I was three. For another time.
What can be said other than, Jeanine, after making it thru your version of the most shadow filled valley a little child can traverse, you deserve to have sunshine and bright daylight illuminating what was done to you in such a cloaked and horrific way if it's what you want. Just know the selfish disgusting treatment he forced on a tiny helpless little girl apparently was transformed into grist for the mill which produced the champion you are now. It illustrates the unique and rare strength and resilience that was a prolific part of that child's composition. Best to you.
Your essay was so beautifully written. So honest. And vulnerable. And needed. I know how incredibly difficult it is to write and speak openly about abuse in a family that prefers fiction and fantasy. Thank you for your courage. You've inspired me--and no doubt many other writers--to continue writing my truth.
Jeannine, so well said. I recognize those sticky yucky feelings of step/ half sibling families, colliding with misinformation, misunderstanding and projection. I love the honesty, clarity and directness of your letter, but most of all I love your essay, such a beautiful example of what you teach about the power of images to carry emotion.
Wendy, this means the world, esp the bit about the essay, and noticing the images carrying the emotion (as I've said to a couple of people, it feels so good to also be seen for the craft). Thank you! xoxo
The little girl in you no longer needs to long for a protective adult - she has You! Beautifully written and beautifully healing. My hope for your integrated self is for rest. You’ve done the protective job you were denied. So very grateful to witness your truth and empowerment. It gives me so much hope. 🙏🏼
Congratulations on the essay publication. I have saved it and look forward to sitting down to read it. My heart breaks for you and for all the victims of sexual abuse. My heart breaks for all the secrets that have been kept. Thank you for telling the truth and not letting people bully you.
Thank you so much. This means a lot ❤️
No wonder you're "just too tired out from it all," Jeannine. I'm tired just reading and imagining all you've been through. Thank you for your courage in sharing the many angles of your story.
Thank you, Karen. And I've been watching your beautiful book launch with awe and love xo
I'm so flattered. ☺️
This is just crazy. But not unusual. I work with women who are survivors of child sex abuse and whether or not criminal charges have been filed, they live with the mandate to remain silent for the rest of their days. I wrote a similar piece about a grandfather who I believe abused my grandmother and her daughters (including my mother). No one would publish it because I had no court records, no complaints filed with anyone. I had plenty of evidence but no legal records. I mean, no one cared about child sex abuse in the early 1900s. So, I hired a hybrid publisher and wrote a book about the way untold family stories impacted the lives of all the women in my family for generations---even those who had never heard the story. The book will be published in 2/24 and I'm steeling myself for the reaction from family (this man was also a pillar in the small town where they lived). Thank you for your courage in following the publishing trail to get your story out there. Symbolically and actually, you have made life a little better for the rest of us. Brava!
Wow, thank you for sharing this, and power to you with this project.
Someone shared this to Notes today and I read both essays. I am in awe at your strength, grace, and incredible writing.
Thank you, Noha. This means a lot.
If you are on Notes, and see my note from earlier about my stepfather's felony record, you will see it has been a momentous day.
The little girl in me that needed protection at 16, still wants protection at 72. I’m so sorry for your lack of protection and am so happy you are now strong enough to protect yourself. ❤️
I’m sorry for your lack of protection too. Grateful you’re here. ❤️
Jeannine, your courage and precise truth bombing of the behind-the-scenes sabotage inspires all of us to work hard to fight on, despite the detractors, liars, and other rich ruiners. Meticulous data collection takes tenacity and focus. Facing down familial rejection and accepting the pariah role takes big...ovaries! Most of us would have been convinced to give up when the strong (wealthy) hand covered our mouths and stifled our screams, but you found a way to pry yourself free, then speak louder and clearer. I am daily in awe of your brilliance, love, and now, heroism.
Thank you, Andrea. When Todd sent that email (and LARB pulled the essay), I was stunned into temporary silent shutdown. And then, after several weeks ... I said, no. This is not the end of this story. Thank you again.
This might help so many people. Thanks for being brave enough to detail the truth and not back down from those trying to block you. Much affection from afar.
Thank you, it is so appreciated.
Yes. Well written letter and so important to do. I applaud you. I am backing you up from here at my desk in some psychic way. WITH YOU. Just absolutely so well done.
Means a lot, Camille. Thank you. Thank you.
Jeannine, one of your aphorisms that I've taken to heart is to look for the fear and write from that place. Oh my god, I can hardly respond to this. This... Your resiliency, courage and ability to write so beautifully about such a dark place is unbelievable. I, too, want to write from a place of fear and I've been writing about the edges so far but your encouragement with your writing is so huge. Yes, Jeannine, I see you and I honor you. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve. This piece is coming around the bend again because of something else that came up today, which I wrote about on Notes. https://substack.com/@jeannineouellette/note/c-49475820
Oh I started there (with the Note) and followed it all. Unfortunately, Todd's reaction to protect the abuser is not out of the ordinary. It's easy for a 3rd party like me to take a high 20,000 foot airplane view of this and pass judgment, but I'm still shaking my head. What in the f----, Todd?
Oh, I'm glad you had the full context. I am a little altered by reading the criminal complaint, confession, verdict, and sentence.
Dear Jeannine, my 5 year-old sleeps beside me as I write this (he woke up screaming with pain in his ear and it took a while to calm him down). I listened to his soft breathing while reading both your essays and feel compelled to tell you: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your parents didn't protect you. I'm sorry the little girl you were, had to experience pain and loss not just during the abuse but years after, again and again. But mostly I'm happy you could exorcize those experiences (to some degree) or metabolize them into sth beautiful: your words. Sending you love from across an ocean.
This is so beautiful. Thank you, Elisa, and I hope your little boy feels much better very soon!
As for the half-sister's boyfriend, I'm glad you redacted his email address cause I would have been tempted to email him myself. Audacity is a word I have often had come to mind when interacting with wealthy folk, especially coupled with a sense of entitlement, but dishonestly defending the indefensible at the behest of your half-sister makes him a vapid lap puppy. My own parents were sort of a tag team troop at beating and hurting we 6 children. I was only seven but I still clearly recall the very moment I determined to forever hate my step mother. I was lying naked and bloody on the ice cold linoleum tiles of a shotgun mill house in N.C. I'd just received 'spanking' with wire clothes hangars that had been entwined together. The hardest part was when she made me get up and join the other kids eating cake icing from the mixing bowl after she iced the cake. The others were too nervously boisterous cause anyone could be next but as that seven year old I guess I took them as happy it was me and not them. At any rate I never recovered from this. I have three brothers I've not spoken to in over thirty years. My father was worse after my real mother died when I was three. For another time.
What can be said other than, Jeanine, after making it thru your version of the most shadow filled valley a little child can traverse, you deserve to have sunshine and bright daylight illuminating what was done to you in such a cloaked and horrific way if it's what you want. Just know the selfish disgusting treatment he forced on a tiny helpless little girl apparently was transformed into grist for the mill which produced the champion you are now. It illustrates the unique and rare strength and resilience that was a prolific part of that child's composition. Best to you.
The courage... I bow to you, most humbly.
And your email to the guy? Perfection.
Thank you so (so) much!
Your essay was so beautifully written. So honest. And vulnerable. And needed. I know how incredibly difficult it is to write and speak openly about abuse in a family that prefers fiction and fantasy. Thank you for your courage. You've inspired me--and no doubt many other writers--to continue writing my truth.
Thank you for this generous feedback and support. It is immensely appreciated!
Jeannine, so well said. I recognize those sticky yucky feelings of step/ half sibling families, colliding with misinformation, misunderstanding and projection. I love the honesty, clarity and directness of your letter, but most of all I love your essay, such a beautiful example of what you teach about the power of images to carry emotion.
Wendy, this means the world, esp the bit about the essay, and noticing the images carrying the emotion (as I've said to a couple of people, it feels so good to also be seen for the craft). Thank you! xoxo