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Monika Kosmákova 🇨🇦🏔️'s avatar

Oh Jeannine ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Footnote 2. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this complex grief for a parent, the layers of it. I see you.

For me, it felt complicated to mourn the mother I always wanted but never had. Mourn how hard it was between us, how much she hurt me, how much I missed her my whole life. Mourn her loyalty binds. Mourn that standing up to her cracked her like I feared it would. Mourn the scapegoating and smear campaigns. Mourn the shitty freedom from our dreaded interactions after she passed.

One day, when I was washing dishes a few months after she died, these words floated to my mind: “It really did end badly.” I stopped washing and stared at the white wood blinds in front of the window above the kitchen sink. Dish soap bubbles crackled in the water. The square edge of the counter dug into my wrists as the words repeated themselves in my body.

It really did end badly.

I was stunned. In her last years, I’d fought so hard to accept she wouldn’t change. This acceptance was essential to purchase enough distance to survive her when she was alive. Still, that day, I discovered I’d held on to my great misbelief that someday, somehow, we’d fix it.

It’s been two years since my mom died, and I feel her finding her way back to me now. From this safer place, I’m finding my way towards her—even as I find my way towards my deeper, authentic self. Now I understand what people mean when they say they feel closer to their difficult parent after they died. I also have family members who need this time to feel the fullness of their anger. They have no desire to connect with her spirit this way. That makes sense to me, too.

If launching Letters and School in September feels noirishing to you, then do it. But if any part of you needs time and space to let this new wave of grief flow through, I’ll share these loving-bossy words from my therapist, who also has lived experience in this department.

“It’s going to fucking suck,” she said, “so prioritize self-care.”

She told me grief exhausts our bodies, more than we realize, and we may need to sleep 12-14 hours a day. I didn’t make the 12-14 hour range, but I did give myself permission to nap for the first time in my life. She also urged me to take more weeks off work than I thought I’d need, even though it was a busy time. I had the privilege to arrange a month. I’m grateful for her prescription to rest.

So if feels healing to move Letters and School to another month, and even pause your newsletter, then do it if you can take the time. We’ll be here, holding you in our hearts.

Sending so much love to you and Billie. 💞💞

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Monica Edwards's avatar

"And where did you put all those letters

That you wrote to yourself

But could not address?"

~ Ani DiFranco

Jeannine, I hope the music and the poems and a community (of your own making) full of love and gratitude are offering you some of the healing you seek.

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